Love Was Never Black and White
by mng
Summary: Sequel to Love Your Lies. Damon/Elena. Mostly Elena's perspective on what is happening, and what she feels must happen. Damon in it too, I promise.


_**Disclaimers: I own nothing but my story idea. The characters belong to VD, and the song is called Where I Stood by Missy Higgins…I suggest listening to it. The quote below is in this story- and is attributed to Richard Bach.**_

_**AN: This story is a sequel to my other story Love Your Lies, which I have re-posted, and I recommend reading it before this one since this is a sequel to that.**_

_**Italics are the song, except for where it is obviously someone's thoughts.**_

_**Bold italics are a note/message.**_

_**Here's to hoping fan fiction recognizes my time markers, but if not, you can take the song as a time marker/breaker.**_

_**Hope you guys enjoy.**_

"_The worst lies are the lies we tell ourselves." - Richard Bach._

_I don't know what I've done,_

_Or if I like what I've begun_

_But something told me to run_

_And honey, you know me-_

_It's all or none_

_There were sounds in my head,_

_Little voices whispering_

_That I should go and this should end_

_And I found myself listening_

I hate myself. More than _anything_ I hate myself. For doing this to him in the first place. For hurting him. For continuing to hurt him. For allowing _this_ to continue.

For loving him.

Elena Gilbert stared around the room she had grown up in. The mirror above her dresser normally covered in photos looked barrenly empty. The dresser itself emptied of its contents, and hangers devoid of clothing greeted her sight in the closet. Her walls were the only thing that still had personal touches displayed. The boxes for them in the closet lent a sense of finality to the situation, however.

She was leaving Mystic Falls. Her and Stephan were going to Washington, D.C.- they were both enrolled to attend university, and Elena intended to stay there. The only people who knew were her aunt, Jeremy, and Bonnie. Aunt Jenna and Jeremy because they were family and she couldn't just up and leave them, and Bonnie because Bonnie could keep a secret. She felt bad for not telling Caroline, but frankly Caroline could not keep her mouth shut if her life depended on it, and she didn't want people to know. She didn't want _him_ to know. He _couldn't_ know- or she would never have been able to go through with this. Elena had actually stooped so far as to forbid Stephan from telling his brother of their imminent departure out of his life.

Understandably Stephan had been confused, but with a few carefully placed lies and a little pleading he had conceded to leave it up to her to tell Damon. And she would. When there was no more time left, he would know- she would never leave without saying goodbye.

He was going to hate her, but that was probably for the best. She was doing this for him, for _them_. This couldn't continue any longer. They couldn't keep doing this to each other. She could never give him what he wants, and she couldn't _keep him _as much as she might want to- it wasn't fair to either of them. And so she was doing what he would _never_ do: leaving him behind.

She felt herself start to choke on her suppressed sobs as she stared at the picture she held carefully in her hands. Caroline had taken it. Her and Damon had been seated on the chesterfield in the sitting room of the boarding house. Caroline had come in with her camera and demanded to take their picture. Damon had slung his arm over her shoulder and pulled her close, and then proceeded to jokingly pucker his lips at her. She was laughing in the picture, and the amusement was evident on Damon's face. Even more evident was the adoration in his eyes as he looked at her.

Tears ran freely down her cheeks as she slowly sank to the floor, leaning her back up against the wall next to her door. _God how badly she needed him_.Which was why she had to leave._ He was never hers to have_. And he deserved so much more than her empty affection.

_Cause I don't know who I am,_

_Who I am without you_

_All I know is that I should_

_And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you_

_All I know is that I should_

_Cause she will love you more than I could,_

_She who dares to stand where I stood_

She had first begun to notice the looks; secretive little glances. Then it was the casual touches that were held for just a bit too long. The smiles and chuckles of amusement over even the most remotely funny comments soon followed. The comments with suggestive undertones were really only a hop, skip, and a jump away from that.

Rose was either in love, or falling in love with Damon. She had been staying at the boarding house for six months now- ever since she had returned to offer her help after Elijah killed Trevor. Damon had ignored her in the beginning- Elena suspected out of some sort of loyalty to her, since Rose had helped capture her- but when Elena herself appeared to hold no hard feelings, and Rose herself warmed to Elena, Damon seemed to let his reservations fall. He had at first been cordial, ever pleasant, if laced with his usual sarcasm, and for the most part had treated Rose as any other guest. Then Elena started to notice he would mention her more in conversation, and would arrive at the boarding house to find the two of them chuckling over some comment, or dealing biting jibes at one another with amusement clearly written in their eyes. That was when the secretive glances from Rose had started.

And if Elena was going to be completely honest with herself, it made her jealous. Rightly she knew she was not justified in her jealously- she had no claim to Damon, other than a forbidden affair that sparked between them at random occasions. But he was _hers_. Something made her want to stake her claim on him- to threaten to cut off Rose's hand if she made one more of those lingering touches to Damon's body. She also couldn't deny the thrill of satisfaction she felt whenever her presence was made known, and Damon would immediately shut himself off from Rose and turn his full attention to any little whim Elena may have. He was _hers_, his actions made that quite clear. But she knew she was wrong to feel this way. Damon didn't belong to her, and she belonged to Stefan. She couldn't make herself let him go, though- she _needed_ him.

But it was wrong. And it was unfair. The look of dejection on Rose's face when Damon shut off his acknowledgment of her, while at first had provided her with a sense of satisfaction, now just made her feel guilty. Rose was good, and she clearly felt for Damon. And as much as she wanted to ignore it, when she was able to observe Damon with Rose it was obvious that he at the very least greatly enjoyed her presence…and she knew if she wasn't in the equation that Damon would fall for Rose. They suited each other well; qualities the one lacked the other made up for. And best of all, Rose also showed him just how _much_ he did care. In a lot of ways, Rose and Elena were rather similar: both had deep bonds of loyalty and trust in and to those who meant most to them, and they would both do anything for the people they cared about. And they both refused to allow Damon to continue on the self-destructive path he had been living prior to Mystic Falls. They both cared about him.

The only difference between them was Damon _needed_ someone like Rose- a person who was free to love him the way he deserved to be loved. A person who wasn't going to slowly destroy the love he was capable of giving. And as much as it killed Elena on the inside to admit it, she couldn't give Damon that, and it was unfair to continue to allow this situation between the two of them to occur.

So she had to remove herself from the equation.

_See, I thought love was black and white_

_That it was wrong or it was right_

_But you ain't leaving without a fight_

_Oh, and I think I am just as torn inside_

Elena had spent the last several weeks going over just how it was that her life had become so messed up. She had never believed it possible to love two people at the same time. She loved Stefan, and cared about Damon because he was Stefan's brother. That was where it should have ended. Black and white, wrong or right. Love wasn't supposed to be so confusing. And yet it was.

How could it be possible that she loved two people at the same time? Forget the fact that it was two people…but two brothers? Why did life just enjoy fucking with her? This whole situation was wrong on so many levels…but she would be a liar if she said she didn't love them both equally.

Stefan was the fairy tale prince she had dreamed of as a little girl. With his soft, green eyes, and gentle smile…he was the type of guy every mother wanted to see her daughter bring home. Sweet, innocent, caring. And he loved her more than anything else in the world, and would do anything for her. And she loved him.

But Damon…Damon was like no other. With his jet black hair, icy blue eyes, and ever present smirk, all of which lent him an air of mystery. His cynicism, and vaguely narcissistic demeanour were off putting to most people…but Elena knew it was all an act; a front to protect himself from a cruel world. And he loved her. She knew that she was his number one priority, and that he would do anything to make her happy. And she loved him, too, cocky, self-assured, sarcastic ass that he was. He was also sweet, charming, and loving if he let himself be.

Stefan had been her saviour when she was in a dark, depressing period. He had rescued her from the deepening abyss she had been falling into after the death of her parents. She had begun to smile again after meeting him. He was everything she needed him to be when they met, and had evolved to fit their ever crazy lives. Stefan made her happy.

Damon had been everything Stefan wasn't when she met him. Dark, angry, and troubled. But she had slowly opened herself to him- and recognized something in him that they shared, and Stefan didn't. Loneliness. Hurt. Loss. Despair. He understood her on a level that Stefan didn't, because Stefan had never had everything taken away from him. Damon was able to cheer her in a way that Stefan never could.

Stefan was her protector. His number one concern was to make sure she was safe. He would fight for her, and die fighting if necessary. He wanted to make everything right for her, and stop life's punches from coming her way. Martyr himself on a stake for her? Most definitely. He was her very own Clark Kent.

Damon was her protector, too. Any physical harm, be it stake, vampire, car accident, or whatever else- he would always step in front of her. But he also let her stand on her own two feet. He knew she didn't need to be coddled, but rather needed to be able to face trying situations on her own. He taught her how to trust in her own judgement, and to be confident in what she believed in. He was her very own Damon.

They were both so very different, but also shared qualities of loyalty, devotion, and a deep-seated love for her. And she loved them both; connected with both. But she could only have one.

No matter how much breaking the connection with one of them felt like breaking away half of her heart.

_Cause I don't know who I am,_

_Who I am without you_

_All I know is that I should_

_And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you_

_All I know is that I should_

_Cause she will love you more than I could,_

_She who dares to stand where I stood_

Keeping up pretences had been hard. She saw Damon on a nearly daily basis, and he was highly perceptive. Which was why she tried to ensure there was always another person present when she was around him; Damon would never question her on something private in front of others, his Southern upbringing would have never allowed that. Or maybe Damon was just far more gentlemanly than most. She knew that he knew something was up, and while common sense told her to lock her window at night to be sure there was no _alone time_ between them, the other half of her selfishly wanted to absorb as much time with him as possible before she walked out of his life, even if that meant risking him finding out before she wanted him to.

_Only one more week_, she thought as she lay staring up at the ceiling above her bed. _Seven days, one hundred sixty-eight hours, and I can tell him the day before so really only six days…_her thoughts drifted as she continued to stare at the ceiling, her eyes only closing when she heard the one sound she had been hoping to avoid.

"Elena?" the bed sunk next to her and she could smell him, that unmistakeable scent of woodsy cologne, mixed with leather, and some natural musk that was just undeniably _Damon_, she could willingly drown herself in the smell of him. "Elena, I know you're awake, vampire hearing. Your breathing and heart beat are too fast for you to be sleeping, so just open your eyes already." He was demanding, but she could hear the underlying plea in his voice, and when her eyes opened they met his which were roiling with emotion- fear overriding them all.

"Damon, it's late." _Perhaps she could just persuade him to leave…_

"What's going on, Elena? Something is wrong, I know it is, so don't bother lying…it's written all over your face right now." His eyes were piercing, almost as if he was trying to look into her for the answers he so desperately wanted. Answers she couldn't give.

"Nothing's wrong, Dam-"

"Don't lie to me!" He angrily hissed at her, she was just glad he had the sense to keep his voice down. Waking Jenna and Jeremy was not something she wanted. He caught hold of her chin, forcing her to maintain eye contact with him. "Just tell me, Elena." There was a pause as he looked down for a second, swallowing hard before he returned his gaze to hers. "Please."

His whispered please was nearly her undoing as she stared back into his pale blue eyes. He was _afraid_. Damon Salvatore was afraid because of her. And hurt because she wasn't letting him in. She had to take a deep breath before opening her mouth to speak.

"Nothing, Damon. It was just…I was concerned about Jeremy. He was talking about leaving Mystic Falls and going away for awhile…I was just worried about him." The lie fell from her lips so easily, and she gently ran her fingers over the back of his hand hoping to convince him. And he believed her so easily, the faith he had in her a crushing force of guilt.

"Oh. Well, uh…is he okay? I mean is he staying now?" Her answer had clearly flustered him, since it seemed to be far from what he had been expecting, and she couldn't fight the smile that crossed her lips at the bemused expression on his face.

"Yes, he is. Everything's alright, I was just worried." _The lies…everything was not going to be okay, not for them anyway. But then again,_ _the worst lies are the lies we tell ourselves._

"Well, in that case-" She suddenly found herself underneath a thoroughly pleased looking Damon, who was shooting her his "sex eyes". "Since I'm already here…" She could never resist that smirk.

It was after all a welcome respite from the guilt, heartache, and depression eating her alive. And it was almost with a sense of relief that she allowed herself to be swept into the passion he offered.

_And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call_

_You meant more to me than anyone I-_

_I ever loved at all_

_But you taught me how to trust myself,_

_And so I say to you:_

_This is what I have to do_

And so the day had arrived: tomorrow she would leave Mystic Falls for the other side of the country. It would bring with it all the tears, promises, and goodbyes leaving always did. But that was tomorrow. Today was going to be far worse. Today she had to tell Damon that they were leaving him, that _she _was leaving him. And that he couldn't come with her. She knew this was going to hurt him, that she was doing the same thing everybody else who claimed to love him had ever done. Leaving him. Forgiving herself was going to be a long time coming, but first she had to tell him. Heaving a sigh, she hit send on the text message she had so slowly typed out.

_**Damon, come to my place. I need to talk to you.**_

Luckily, Jenna and Jeremy were out; this needed to be done in private. She still wasn't positive how he was going to react, and if he flew into a rage she would rather Jenna and Jeremy weren't there to witness it. Placing her head in her hands, she sat cross-legged with her elbows braced on her knees staring down at her comforter, and wishing in that moment to be anybody else in the world. She was going to break him, and in return it would break her, too.

The tap on her window broke her musings, and she looked up to see Damon's face peering in. She got to her feet, trepidation lacing each step she made to the window to let him in, and continuously reminded herself to keep breathing.

Pulling up the window, she whispered a "hey," to him, and stepped back to allow him in. Climbing through his eyes surveyed the room around them taking in the boxes piled by the door.

"You lied to me." His gaze flickered down to her, eyes hard and questioning. She reached out and took his hand, shocked when he complacently allowed her to take it since it was obvious anger was simmering just below his surface.

"Come sit down…I have to tell you something." Leading him over to her bed, she sat down pulling him with her, and tried hard to dispel the lump in her throat at the confusion written all over his face.

"Elena-" She cut him off with a finger to his lips, and a slight shake of her head.

"Please. Just let me tell you what I have to say, and then you can say whatever you want." Her voice had cracked half way through the sentence, and she was unable to stop the tears that welled in her eyes. His anger visibly melted as he took in her broken features, and reached out to gently brush away a lone tear that rolled down her cheek.

"Don't cry, princess, it can't be that bad." He shot her his ever present smirk, and that was nearly her undoing. _Yes, yes it could._

"I'm leaving, Damon." The look of shock on his face might have been comical in any other situation but now she wanted nothing more than to retract her words, and saw no amusement in his facial expression.

"What do you mean?" Damon questioned, brows furrowing in confusion.

"I'm moving to D.C., Damon. Tomorrow." Elena practically winced at the words she was just barely managing to choke out, while watching the expression on Damon's face meld from shock, to disbelief, to confusion, before determination began to form.

"_Tomorrow_? You're moving to _D.C. _tomorrow? Well…alright, that's really short notice but I don't really have any commitments here so-" his words slowly trailed off when he saw her shaking her head.

"No, Damon. You can't come with me." Tears now rolled unhindered down her face as she watched his jaw clench against the pain her words had caused him.

"What do you mean I can't come?" He demanded, attempting to mask his hurt with anger. She reached out for his hand, but he jerked it away out of her reach, waiting for her answer.

"You have to stay here, Damon. You can't come with me." Her vision blurred with tears, but not enough to hide the devastation on his face. "We can't keep doing _this_, Damon. I can't keep hurting you."

"That's not your choice to make, Elena! It's _my _choice, not _yours_!" He jumped to his feet, moving away from her to keep himself from reaching out to throttle her at what he felt was the stupidity of her statement.

"It can't just be your choice, Damon. Not anymore. Not when I'm destroying you."

"I thought you said you loved me, or was that just a lie?" He practically spat at her, anger colouring his words.

"No! I never lied about that, Damon- don't you dare say that!" Her own anger reared it's head through her tears. _How dare he question her love for him. She was doing this for him!_

"Why shouldn't I question that, Elena? You're leaving me and telling me that I'm not _allowed_ to come! What the hell did you think I would feel?" His hands were balled in fists as he stared her down from across the room.

"I'm doing this for you!" She screamed at him. "Damn it, Damon… can't you see that?" Her voice faded to a whisper, as her gaze dropped to her knees, and she gave into the sobs that she had been trying so hard to restrain. The room went deathly quiet, and stayed quiet for so long she thought he had left. It surprised her when his voice broke the silence, and she almost wished he had left because the anguish in his voice just killed her even more.

"I can't let you go." She looked up to see his pale blue eyes red rimmed, as tears fell onto the face of a broken angel. All of his walls were down, and the utter heartache was displayed prominently on his face. Elena got to her feet, and crossed the room to wrap her arms tightly around him. His faced dropped to her neck as the fingers of one hand tangled in her hair, while the other clenched her shirt. She held to him just as tightly, as her tears soaked his shirt matching his running a warm path down her neck. They stayed locked together for what felt like hours, but was probably only minutes before either one spoke. It was Elena who broke the silence, murmuring into his chest.

"I have to do this, Damon. For both of us. You deserve someone who can love you back freely." She pulled back enough so that she could look into his watery eyes. "I'm with Stefan…and I can't do this to him." He looked away from her, unable to hold her gaze at his name. "And you feel something for Rose." Damon's gaze snapped back around to her and he opened his mouth.

"I don't. She's just a friend." Elena smiled through her tears.

"You do. I can see it. You're holding yourself back because of me…and I can't let you do that anymore." She gently brought her hand up to his cheek. "She loves you," Elena whispered, "And I know she can make you happy." Fresh tears welled in Elena's eyes, and she saw the muscle twitch in Damon's jaw as he tried to control his own emotions. "You deserve to be happy, Damon."

Her lip quivered, and Damon pulled her into him once more with a deep, shuddering sigh. He pressed his face to her hair as she buried hers against his chest, and they stood that way for a long time, just breathing each other in.

_Cause I don't know who I am,_

_Who I am without you_

_All I know is that I should_

_And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you_

_All I know is that I should_

And so here was the end. She stood outside her house, her _home_, and held tightly to Jeremy, not wanting to let go. He hugged her just as tight, tears in his eyes as he bit his lower lip to quell his emotions.

"Promise me, Jer, promise me you'll keep out of trouble. Keep doing your art- you'll be famous one day, I know it. And help Jenna. She'll need you, and Ric. And-" Elena rambled, so determined to not forget anything _important_, to impress upon Jeremy the concern she had for his well-being. With a smile, Jeremy leaned back a bit to see her face.

"'Lena, everything will be _fine_. I promise. You're gonna' have a blast at school…just make sure you call me once in a while, alright? Don't forget about me." Elena couldn't restrain the lone tear that ran down her cheek at his words.

"I will _never_ forget about you, Jeremy. You're my baby brother, and I'm so proud of you, Jer. I love you." Jeremy grinned.

"I love you too, Elena." He gave her a final squeeze before releasing her to Jenna, who was sobbing unrestrainedly into a tissue. Elena approached cautiously, and wrapped her arms around her.

"I love you, Jenna. Thanks for always looking out for me…I don't know what I would have done without you." Jenna pressed a firm kiss to Elena's forehead and hugged her close.

"I love you too, sweetie. Promise me you'll be careful?" Jenna's worried eyes looked into her own, and Elena smiled.

"I will, Jenna, please don't worry. Stefan has my back, too. Speaking of-" Elena shot a cautious glance over to where Alaric stood at the foot of the porch steps. "Don't let go of that one. He's a keeper, Jenna." Jenna shot her own look over at him, before turning back to Elena with a watery grin.

"He is, isn't he?" Elena smiled, and hugged Jenna once more as Stefan's voice drifted out of the car.

"Elena, we probably better get on the road…" Elena nodded, but glanced around attempting to peer into the woods. He _had _to come. They had said their goodbyes the night before, but she couldn't just leave town without saying a final goodbye. Jeremy noticed her frantic look, and leaned to whisper in her ear.

"He'll come, Elena. He won't let you leave without saying goodbye." Elena smiled at him uneasily, but wasn't so sure. Last night had been tough, and she wouldn't blame him if he didn't want to go through it again. The rustling of branches to her left drew her attention, and the smile that broke out on her face as he stepped out of the trees was matched by his own when he saw her. Her heart clenched painfully when she saw Rose step out of the trees behind him, but swallowed and did her best to ignore the feeling. _This was what she wanted_ she kept trying to remind herself. Damon walked up to her and slowly pulled her into his arms, a hug she returned with an almost desperation.

"I thought you wouldn't come." She whispered into his chest, and he squeezed her tighter.

"I couldn't let you leave without saying goodbye, Elena." He murmured, clenching his jaw as he refused to allow tears to fall. He slowly ran his fingers down through her hair, before wrapping his arm firmly around the back of her neck. Elena's lip quivered, as she buried her face against his chest.

"I'm going to miss you so much, Damon." Damon closed his eyes at her words, smiling weakly.

"I'll miss you too, kitten." She shoved his chest playfully with one hand at his pet name for her, while holding him close with the other; a juxtaposition of her feelings: let him go, keep him always. When it was no longer proper for them to remain clinging to each other, Damon leaned back to look down at her. She stared up into his blue eyes that showed nothing but sadness, before he leaned down pressing a soft kiss to her forehead. And then he let her go. "Goodbye, Elena."

The tears rolled freely down her cheeks, as she reached into her pant's pocket and removed a folded piece of paper. She reached out for his hand and gently tucked it into his palm.

"Goodbye, Damon." With a final sad smile she turned and climbed into the idling vehicle behind her. She waved to her loved ones watching her from the other side of the window as Stefan slowly drove the car away.

She saw as Damon looked down to read the note she had given him, and saw as he looked back up to the receding car in the distance. And just before they turned the corner she saw Rose slide her hand into Damon's and give it a reassuring squeeze. And then she was gone.

Long after the others had returned indoors, Damon stood silently on the lawn staring down the road after her, with Rose at his side. Rose watched the varied emotions flicker across his face, before looking down at the note in his hand.

"What does it say, Damon?" Damon looked down at the note in his hand once more, his eyes an ocean of turmoil.

_**I love you, Damon. But she will love you more than I can.**_

"It's nothing." He said with a slight shake of his head. Looking back down the street once more he sighed, and then reached for her hand. "Come on, let's go home."

_Cause she will love you more than I could_

_She who dares to stand where I stood_

_Fin._

**So that's the end of this part. I have already decided this is going to be a 4 part story- I have the next 2 parts planned out, it is just a matter of writing them.**

**Hope you guys enjoyed it.**


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